he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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