Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
