Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
