I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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