I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
