Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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