My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
