I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
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At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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