I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
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You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
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Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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