I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
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