there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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