franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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