Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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