What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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