Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
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When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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