His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
