he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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