I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
