I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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