If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
