I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Randomize
