yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
