Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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