Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
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I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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