Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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