The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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