All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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