He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
