If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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