your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
