Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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