that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
