Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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