I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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