Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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