I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Girls should come with a carfax report
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
