went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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