guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
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I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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