All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Drunk is not a location!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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