why im i the only drunk person in the library?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
