I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
