dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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