So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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