you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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