i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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