Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
and you fell through a lawn chair