I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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