I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.