I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning