You made me cry and you don't even care
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
