Soap is not a condiment
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
