I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I love having hate sex.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
