'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How does one acquire holy water?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
