My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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