What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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